Ok – I know I’m being a whiner, but since this is really my blog, I have the right. We have been having such a horrible time with money, well actually that we have none. It’s been such a long time and I finally got a check today (not enough, but I don’t dare complain). I am serious when I say that I honestly forgot how to get to the bank and my PIN at the ATM because I haven’t been there in so long. How pitiful is that?

I have been pittling (a word?) around all week on the computer and not doing one damn bit of work with my writing. It’s not writing block so much as writers 10 foot high block. I lack inspiration, motivation and anything else. It’s hard to reach in and draw on your creative juices when you are dried up. How depressing am I? I can’t even drink any alcohol with this new med I take which royally SUCKS because I really need a couple (or 10) glasses of wine. Sometimes I wish it was my carefree, pre-med, pre-hitched,pre-children days. I would have nobody to care about but myself, and I didn’t really even care that much about myself, either. I used whatever drugs suited my fancy that month and dated bad boys and went clubbing and just was a basic everyday society-viewed loser. But, I was a loser having a damn good time!

It’s funny how things appear. You can never ever judge anybody and I never do. Because now you would look at my life and think, Wow…she really has it all. A big beautiful house, 3 cute kids and helpful husband. She’s so lucky. Ha! Back when everyone thought I was a loser, I actually had it more in control and was happier! Now, if you could see inside these walls you would see that I do not anywhere near have it all together. In fact, it’s spread all over the place, including my ass where all the excess “baby fat” seemed to migrate. Beautiful house – no furniture, food or any other things since we are house poor. 3 cute kids – yeah, cute but annoying. Helpful husband – okay, I won’t even go there today. Lucky – hmmm, how would one define luck?

So – am I done complaining yet? Nope. But, I need to go care for my “cute” 3 year old now because she is just being her regular cute self. I tell people that she is God’s birth control – after having her I would never even consider having another child. Ever! I love her to death and can’t imagine life without her – but, Oh My God!!

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