I just cannot fucking write anymore. I read about writing. I study how to write. I learn who to write to. I read about how to write and submit. Everything but write. And when I do write – it sucks. Or it never gets a response. Or a negative one. Or none at all. Or a positive response from some lame ass company that was a hoax anyway. Why am I doing this anyway? It sucks. It just keeps me from my Ashley. Makes my butt big while I sit at the computer all day and night studying how to write. Reading emails and filling up my notebooks with tons of new ideas that I will never write about. because I cant. I am sick and tired of the rejections. The volunteer writing gigs which is all I seem to get. Seems after all this time I should be making some money. all the money I have spent on classes and books and mags and memberships…shit.

I am just plain whiney today. Headache. Bills. No money. no writing assignments. Not in the Bahamas where I should be right now.

I don’t even know what to write about any more. I don’t care. I don’t want to anymore. I feel so sad that my passion which at one point was so strong is now fizzling out. I no longer feel any creativity or longing to write. It is another chore. A dreaded chore. I am so busy doing the business of writing – the organizing, the query, the guidelines. My creativity has just gone out the damn door. I don’t think I even have any left. And its about impossible to pursue your creativity with major financial troubles and other troubles in your mind all the time.

I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to WANT to give up. I am just sick and tired of feeling frustrated and lost at the end of every day. So many people become great writers. They are not any better than me. I know this – I know I am a good writer. I always have been. Some are better, of course, but very few. I just don’t know what the problem is. The problem is me. Its really hard to keep on keeping on and persist and all that other shit in the motivating quotes and books I read when you are working your fingers to the bone (literally) and getting nothing in return. Ugh

Well, I feel a little better now. At least I got this down. Now if I can just get other things down. Where they belong. And then get them out. Where they belong. I have so much to say and so much to share with others – but I am beginning to doubt I will ever get the voice I so desperately need and want.

Oh well – I will just see if this is a passing funk I am in. maybe I just need some creative inspiration somewhere – away from this computer. This house. These kids. Just far away. Do I have to come back?