Is it a mom thing or am I the only one who gets sad every night? I am fine all day and when it starts getting dark and everyone is asleep, I just get so sad. Not depressed. Not in despair. Just melancholy and sad. I start feeling alone and nostalgic. It’s weird, I know, it’s probably only me.

Part of it is probably that my adderall has totally worn off. So, it might be some sort of side effect or coming down thing, too. One side effect that drives me nuts is the little picking things – I run my tongue through the grooves in my teeth or I pick at a scab or whatever. Lovely, huh?

And, I hope I am not the only mom like this that has the WORST insomnia! I just cannot go to sleep. If I do go to sleep, I have the most vivid and disturbing dreams every single night. It’s gotten to the point that I dread even sleeping at all. It’s just weird. You would think I would do my best writing at night  – wrong. My brain is fried. I do my best work early in the morning. But, it’s hard to get up early when you can’t sleep. I am just screwed. Damn.

So – the sad thing. I just freak out about how fast time goes. I mean, really, it freaks me out. It scares the hell out of me. I just moved my 3 year old into a big girl’s bed last night. I sat in her empty nursery and cried and cried. I would swear she was a tiny infant laying in that crib just the other day. Every time I turn around, another year has passed. Even day to day – I look at the clock and it’s time for dinner – and I haven’t done one single productive thing. Christmas break is over already. My God – it’s insane.

So – I remember Maya Angelou saying that you must think about your mortality all the time. Not in a Woody Allen sort of way – depressed and pessimistic. Actually, totally opposite. I always think of my death in a way that makes me not be depressed or pessimistic, because it makes me realize the pettiness of my worries in the broad scheme of things. It makes me enjoy this moment. I always hear people who have lost someone they love and they will say they are so upset that they never told them how much they love them. Why not? Why did you never tell them or show them how much you love them? Why don’t we think about it? Nobody is exempt from leaving and every one of us will have somebody we love die. It will happen.

Things could be a hell of a lot better in my life right now. But, it’s really not that horrible when you think of it this way – what if your doctor called you in his office tomorrow and told you that you had terminal cancer and just a few weeks to die? This is not far-fetched, it happens every day to someone. My grandfather, my father in law. So, I bet you wouldn’t think – well, thank god, my life sucks anyway. I have money problems and can’t pay the mortgage. My husband is really annoying me lately and my kids are driving me crazy. I will be glad to be out of here. I would bet – No. You would be devastated to leave. So, if things are that horrible, why do you want to stay here? Why would you dread your death sentence? You could die in a few weeks – the only difference is that it’s not told to us. So, live that way anyway!

Don’t be like Thoreau says when he looks out into a graveyard and says – most men live lives of quiet desperation. They have died never to have lived at all.

Make resolutions every night. Embrace the sadness and the joy. Hug your babies and kiss them on their cheeks while they sleep. Find little things – nothing is guaranteed and nothing is promised to us – only that we will live and we will die. Let’s make sure we live while we are here.

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