what in the hell is wrong with me? I am so moody that I annoy myself! I cannot stand this time of day – 4pm – I get so stressed and frustrated. I already know I am insane, but this time of day I really feel it. I hear the kids outside screaming (literally) and crying and yelling and it just gets under my skin. I am going to say it – sometimes I really wish I was a single, child-less girl again. No real responsibilities or sacrifices – just whatever made me happy. Well, I don’t mind being married, mostly, but I just miss the freedom to do whatever I wanted. And I miss the privacy. God, I miss the privacy.

The writing is chugging along. It’s all about what I said earlier – don’t lose yourself in it. Don’t immerse yourself in the instructions and the guidelines and the voices of “those people”. If you aren’t writing in your own voice – if you aren’t being true to yourself – you are doing a dis-service to yourself and everyone else. If they reject your ideas – who gives a shit? – there will be someone who will love them. That’s the biggest thing – we are not as alone in our feelings as we think we are.

Here are some things I wonder – I am a mom. 39 years old. 3 kids (11,8 and 3). Married 12 years. Moved to the South from Los Angeles. I am a writer. I am a work at home mom. So – now you can see if anyone else relates – I don’t think anyone does – because, well, I already admit I am certifiably insane, but, I need to vent anyway.

  • I love curse words. I especially love writing and reading them. I think since I’m a mom, and have been for so long, that I never curse in front of the kids (except the more than occassional slip-up), so I feel the need to vent it…somewhere. And nothing makes you feel satisfied when there’s an imperative need for the word “FUCK!” It just feels right.
  • I miss drugs and partying. I always think about the “good ol’ days” when I did meth, coke, weed, and alcohol and partied all night, into the morning, into the next night. I wish I could somehow incorporate drugs into my life now without being a total white-trash skank-ho ending up on Dr. Phil.
  • I wish someone would invent a wine IV. Seriously. We could just stick it in and have the feeling of a half bottle of wine in a few seconds.
  • I hate being a mom sometimes. Hate it. I wish everyone would just leave me the hell alone. Can I just take a shower in peace? Can I take a shit? Alone? Damn.
  • I am a loner. I complain cuz I have no friends, but I hate meeting people. Especially women. Most of all moms. It cannot be just me – I don’t relate to a single one of them. If I had a choice of going out to a social or staying home watching TV – I would stay home. And I wonder why I have no girlfriends.
  • I have accepted the fact that I am never going to be skinny again. And I honestly don’t give a shit. Really. Most of the time. I am tired of trying. Tired of diets. Tired of being upset about it. Fuck it.
  • Do people know when they are ugly? Honestly. I wonder if they look in the mirror and say “damn, you ugly as sin” or do they look and say “you a fine biyatch.”
  • Why is their Braille on drive-up ATM machines? WTF? How in the HEYELL is a blind person going to drive up to it?
  • Why are there mail boxes at the post office? You’re already there!
  • Why are parents in school car lines such goddam idiots! Do they just become idiots at that moment or are they always rude and ignorant?
  • Why do women have so much shit to deal with and men have nothing? Periods. Hormones. Pregnancy. Menopause. Men have…ummm…wet dreams? I rest my damn case.
  • So – when Eve offered the apple to Adam – how in the hell did that become all the woman’s fault. I mean, is man such an idiot that he can’t say “no”. Is he such an ignoramus that he can’t think for himself. And then God decides to punish women by cursing us with labor pains. What. the. fuck.
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