Where do you get inspiration when you feel totally burned out. Seriously. There is just nothing left. I don’t even have the desire or motivation. I’m not sick. At all. I’m not tired. Not any more than any other mom of three kids. Just the normal sick and tired.

I have been treated for my depression. Well, years ago I was diagnosed. I am not depressed any more. I’m not depressed now. Actually, it’d be kinda ok to be depressed – at least it’s a feeling. It’s better than apathy. I think apathy is the worst. It’s the real opposite of love. Because hate actually involves as much emotion, if not more, than love. Apathy doesn’t even pretend to muster feelings. No emotion. Nothing. Just don’t care.

Just a few months ago I was diagnosed with ADHD (among other things) and started on adderall. I have been taking it and tweaking it and taking it for a few months. I know I am much much better. More stable, not impulsive or destructive. I am also bi-polar, so I don’t have the dramatic mood swings or constant drama anymore either. My money is more in control, my marriage, my kids – everything. I am more focused and a lot calmer. But…..

I am now bored out of my f**king mind! Bored. I miss the old me. The old days of wild parties. Crazy friends and VIP clubs. Celebrities and powdered lines on every table. All the free drinks I wanted. Any drug I could even think of. I miss the other “personalities”. I had so many facets and levels. I never knew what I’d be like from one minute to the next. It was exhausting but it was exciting and dramatic. Fun.

The other great think about my insanity was it served as a great escape from reality. I was never really “here”. I could just be ignorant to everything going on around me. All the normal crap we all deal with. From the famous words in “Full Metal Jacket” – I am in a world of shit.

So, I can be sick and fun or well and bored. Oh, the decisions. Oh the humanity.

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