I am going through a very difficult journey right now and keeping record of it on my other weblog at journey back to myself. This is my last hope on being back in this life and being as sane as I can possibly be without that little switch in my head flips off. You know…the one where we look at that crazy person in the streets talking to themselves and we always think – I wonder what it was that set them off? I am a second away from that.

I am stopping all of my drugs. No more zoloft. No more cymbalta. No more adderall. No BC pills and nothing else my doctors keep handing to me to make me feel “better”. No more medicines that make me easier for my parents to deal with. Easier for my husband to live with. Easier for society to handle. Isn’t that why we are all medicated? Who gives a shit how we feel and what it does to our bodies and souls? We are acceptable now. We are sedated. It’s a relief for my mom to just say that I am crazy and it’s not because she did anything wrong. I just need a doctor. I just need medicine. Not working – I need more medicine. I call her and sob on the phone about how she has “abandoned” me over and over and – well, ” are you taking your meds?” I have a hard time with my husband and we have a fight and I cry and scream and cuss – ” will you please go back on your medicine?”

I have been on something for as long as I can remember. I have been on something from child one to child three. And I have gone off – been convinced that I cannot deal with life on my own – and got back on. In between there has been more meds, different meds, self-made meds – coke, ecstacy, weed, alcohol, sex with whoever. Anything to get me the fuck out of here.

And with the years of sedation I have helped everyone around me gain some sanity and I have sold my soul. Over and over. I lose a piece of myself every day. And now there’s not much left. So, I am going to try and get it back. If it makes anyone uncomfortable, oh well. I am not giving any part of me away to any one any more.

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