Precious. My little one here and my other two “little” ones (not so little any more) are my motivation and my inspiration. They keep me alive. And not just alive….living. They keep my soul alive.

I haven’t posted in a while because it’s been way beyond difficult in my life recently. Pretty much the past few months have been a downward spiral and it has come to the bottom. We all reach the bottom eventually, I think. I mean the bottom. Where you know you have two choices – you either get up or you don’t. That’s it. It’s not so much what happens to us – because shit happens all the time – but how we react to it.

But, I am a firm believer that every single solitary thing in our lives happens for a reason. And everything is a choice. Everything. I also believe in God. I know for sure there is something much more powerful than any of us and it is beyond our understanding or comprehension. Nothing in the universe is a mistake – nothing is just “thrown together”. There is a plan. There’s a master plan. A system. Patterns and connections. Even bugs have a purpose and they serve another’s purpose – on and on. So – there are no mistakes. There is no such thing as luck. There is no such thing as coincidence.

I am not religious. Less now more than ever in my life. I am very spiritual. More now than ever in my life. When you hit bottom, like I am now, you have to believe in something. There’s no choice other than giving up and becoming cold or bitter or just losing it completely. That’s not an option for me. My three children didn’t ask to be here. They didn’t ask for any of this to happen to them. They deserve nothing but the best life has to offer them. There are so many times I want to just go to my room and shut the door and turn off the lights and never come out. But – they MAKE me come out because I HAVE to. I am their mom. I don’t want to get up and take them to school or make dinner and snacks and lunches and push the baby on the swing – when inside I am totally losing it. And I have to wear a mask all day like it’s all great.

But, you know what? My children have saved me. They have pulled me out from the bottom and they do it every day. Mostly because when you force yourself to move and do things and you force yourself to smile and laugh, it must trick your brain somehow into actually thinking it is okay. They help me keep my sanity. They also made me realize that it is important that I make myself happy. Because if I am happy with myself – I will make everyone else happier.

I know – rambling here. But, I am not really posting a “blog” right now as much as a journal. I don’t know if anyone will even read this – doesn’t matter. I am totally turned around right now. Everything I wanted before has changed. I don’t know what I want, exactly. I guess I will find out. Right now, I am just dealing with survival – and I don’t mean it in a dramatic way. I am seriously dealing with the basics of life now – trying to make ends meet with no income, no jobs, a foreclosing house, late bills, severed marriage, personal mental issues….I have sold everything I own – my wedding ring, jewelry, gifts, whatever. I have had my house taken away and everything I own. My security and my trust have been shattered. I have been betrayed and lied to and abandoned on so many levels. I feel stripped. Completely. And every single day, it seems, I get hit with another catastrophic discovery or event.

Yesterday, my husband came in and told me my sweet little cat, Ming, was killed. He found him on the side of the road. Before anyone tries to attack me for leaving him outside…he escaped and has escaped before (but always came back). He was hit by a car and was almost in our yard. So close to home. A few more feet. Another precious thing taken away from me. I can’t even react yet – I guess when I am emotionally ready to deal with it, I will.

I don’t want any pity or sympathy, either. I really don’t want anything from anyone anymore. I just want to get through this. And not be bitter. Like I said, nothing happens by mistake. I know even all the pain I am in now is for a reason and as mushy and cliche as it sounds….I need to learn something from it and turn it around to become a better person.

But, damn, I am tired of learning. Can’t I just go to recess already? NO MORE LESSONS….

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